biopsy results
On Monday I had the dreaded biopsy and had
72 hours to ponder my fate. What will I do if its cancerous? How will I cope? Why is this happening to me?
The why me question is something you’ll ask yourself literally everyday as it does not seem fair! I don’t smoke, I don’t drink excessively, I’m conscientious, a family person, a good mother, kind and caring and this is my reward. Why oh why me!
This is one conundrum I cannot answer, all I know is it’s happening and I have to get through it. My son needs me, my family needs me and I need to beat this (fighting talk eh!).
Your thought process will swing from positive, to negative, to lets end it all, from time to time.
So its nearly time and I’m as prepared as I can be. Over the last few days I discussed at length how and what I’ll do if the lump is cancerous with Sgt Major.
To be fair, he’s not a bad old stick (as the saying goes) but don’t ask him to give emotional support. If I need to be at the doctors at 3am in the morning he’ll be there. If I need help with the surgeons bills he’ll be there. If I need to get a second opinion he’ll find the person to do it, but if I need a shoulder to cry on then I might as well go outside and talk to the nearest brick wall. Men!
Maybe it’s a man, woman thing, but I’ve never known someone so cold and hard as Sgt Major.
He asked if he should come with me, I decided in my infinite wisdom to go alone (BIG MISTAKE).
I arrive early and sat in my car for a moment hanging onto my crystal, as if my life depended on it (hmm maybe it did).
Christine had said “pray whilst holding the crystal” so there was I praying as I never did before.
I headed for the surgery and felt sick from top to bottom, I wish I’d brought someone with me! I’m sat waiting for my name to be called, finally its my turn and I’m in.
Straight of the bat Mr Nice Guy ‘El Doctor’ hits me with it ‘Well I’m afraid the biopsy has confirmed the lump is cancerous/malignant, its 3cm and large for a lump’ boom, bang, crash, wallop, my whole world had just disintegrated. Although I was in the consultation for at least another 10 minutes the rest of the conversation is a blur.
Take note: Never do this alone, always have someone else with you because your mind will turn to mush and you need to remember important things after the initial shock.
I began to cry and although he assured as best he could, the tears would not stop. He needs to perform a lumpectomy to remove the lump. My head was mess I had so much to think about, my son, my work and how on earth am I going to pay for the operation?!?!?
I left feeling at my worst, just getting to the car was like climbing a mountain. I hit the road with tears streaming down my face then the phone rang.
It was Miranda arranging the school run for our children’s football tonight. I spoke quickly and when she asked if everything is alright I said “yes” and hung up!
Words alone cannot describe the feeling you have when it is confirmed ‘I have cancer’. This is one of my lowest points and although there will be others along the way, I will never forget today.
Somehow I managed to drive home without crashing or taking a sharp right and driving my car into the sea. Believe you me there are times when you just want to end it all. Surely its got to be easier than this!
Thank god I have a son and a family that care and need me, things like that stop those absurd thoughts developing when they arise. I then discussed the whole matter when I got in and there was Mr Positive to prop me up.
“So whats the worst that can happen” I can hear him say. “So they’ll operate and it’ll be gone. This does have a solution albeit not a nice thought but they haven’t told you your gonna die, this is fixable”.
You hold on to these little positives when you think your number is up! Today on a scale of 1 to 10 is minus 100……
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